So, as I sit here, in the new and oh so very empty apartment, I have some serious amount of time to reflect. In the paso month I have gotten the new apt, gotten married, and done it all while working 70hours a week and driving upwards of 1000miles or more.
I said i would never give him a 2nd thought. i said i would never get married again. i'm glad i didnt stick to that. I guess this is how a true marriage should make you feel. safe, secure and even though we're hundreds of miles apart, sitting in shitty conditions tonight, i dont feel so alone. i have a much more mature love in my life that cant be understood by anyone who hasnt gotten the chance to marry their best friend.
i am blessed.
no more army, no more being apart, no more agony and painful heartache. it's true marital bliss and the appreciation, genuine appreciation of his presence. our long awaited life together is finally going to begin. we've earned it.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Seriously?!
So, no sooner do I get over the serious blast from the past that happened over the weekend, and ANOTHER comes flying through. I mean seriously. Mentally I wrote you off about a week ago, I just hadn't had the time to sit and compose a letter as of yet.
I swear ...... i just can never win. This is the sickest joke EVER.
FUCK YOU LIFE
I swear ...... i just can never win. This is the sickest joke EVER.
FUCK YOU LIFE
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Hmm ....
7 months, almost to the day.
Out of the blue.
I'm not sure what to make of it.
I'm not sure your intentions or if I should even care to find out.
Curiosity gets the best of me.
We shall see.
Out of the blue.
I'm not sure what to make of it.
I'm not sure your intentions or if I should even care to find out.
Curiosity gets the best of me.
We shall see.
Monday, September 29, 2008
9-29-08
I wanna ask you
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know,
never care
What goes on in the other one's head?
Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(at all)
You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me
(paint me anything)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.
So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(at all)
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me
If I'm the person that you think I am
(Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am
(Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the fuck would you want me back?!
Maybe it's because
(You don't know me at all)
Ahhh ahAhhh ah
(You don't know me,you don't know me.)
Ahhh ahAhhh ah
So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(at all)
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(at all)
What?
(Mmmm, ohh oh)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Here i go again ...
... on my own.
i am really quite excited to get out of dodge.
it will be strange to not have acsha with my daily, but i vow to enjoy the 'break' and strive to do all i can to make our lives the best when she can come be with me.
i need this.
ready or not ....
Rutland here i come.
i am really quite excited to get out of dodge.
it will be strange to not have acsha with my daily, but i vow to enjoy the 'break' and strive to do all i can to make our lives the best when she can come be with me.
i need this.
ready or not ....
Rutland here i come.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
For better or worse?
As I await the arrival of the recruiters e-mail I think about what is to come. I wonder how I will do on the exam, and if all this worry and stress will prove to be beneficial in the end. I think of how I want to better myself, make a better life for my daughter and instantly I know this decision will do that. It may mean leaving people behind, losing friendships, starting over, but I am willing to do that for the end result.
My nerves are on edge lately. My stomach is in constant knots over the mass of uncertainty that encompasses my life lately. Mom is sicker than she is letting on, my uncle is back in the hospital for what we have been told will be the last time. We knew this day would come. I can not help but feel guilty over the fact that I am wondering how I will manage to fit a wake and funeral into my already crazy hectic life. I should be upset about death.
My nerves are on edge lately. My stomach is in constant knots over the mass of uncertainty that encompasses my life lately. Mom is sicker than she is letting on, my uncle is back in the hospital for what we have been told will be the last time. We knew this day would come. I can not help but feel guilty over the fact that I am wondering how I will manage to fit a wake and funeral into my already crazy hectic life. I should be upset about death.
Friday, September 12, 2008
To be expected ...
This is something I have worked very hard for.
I'm proud of this.
You will not take this moment away from me.
I'm sorry you can not enjoy it with me.
So, we will do it without you.
Congratulations to me!
I'm proud of this.
You will not take this moment away from me.
I'm sorry you can not enjoy it with me.
So, we will do it without you.
Congratulations to me!
Friday, September 5, 2008
ugh
i did it again.
mysterious man of the evening came calling for his always second favorite girl, and she answered in rapid time, as always.
i'm insanely predictable.
gross.
mysterious man of the evening came calling for his always second favorite girl, and she answered in rapid time, as always.
i'm insanely predictable.
gross.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
... fool
i can not wait for this day to be over.
i'm plagued with horrible dreams, unsettling feelings and total distrust in people. Idle time does me no good, either does getting the run around.
whatever the result is for today's issue, i just want it done.
i want this nasty feeling to go away.
i want to be able to concentrate on things.
ugh .... hopeless.
i'm plagued with horrible dreams, unsettling feelings and total distrust in people. Idle time does me no good, either does getting the run around.
whatever the result is for today's issue, i just want it done.
i want this nasty feeling to go away.
i want to be able to concentrate on things.
ugh .... hopeless.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
sick
of never having you here when i need you.
like now.
of the seemingly shady reasons and circumstances.
like now.
of always second guessing people and wondering if i'm better off alone.
like i am now.
like now.
of the seemingly shady reasons and circumstances.
like now.
of always second guessing people and wondering if i'm better off alone.
like i am now.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Things I'm sick of ...
- Math
- Bills
- Feeling like very little I do is actually appreciated
- People at work
- Small town mentality
- Being treated as second rate
- Getting paid every 2 weeks
- Starbucks costing $6 a cup
- Never having enough gas money
- Seeing my dad once a year
- Family gatherings
- Fake people
- Drama
- Not having time to spend with Acsha
- Never seeing Gianna
- Feeling like I just always want more.
- Bills
- Feeling like very little I do is actually appreciated
- People at work
- Small town mentality
- Being treated as second rate
- Getting paid every 2 weeks
- Starbucks costing $6 a cup
- Never having enough gas money
- Seeing my dad once a year
- Family gatherings
- Fake people
- Drama
- Not having time to spend with Acsha
- Never seeing Gianna
- Feeling like I just always want more.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Giving up ....
I try ... I am only 1 person, I can only do so much.
I try to be a good mom. Finding the balance between dicipline and allowing her to have a fun childhood. I try to pick and choose what she is subjected to, choose the right food and toys for her. I cancel plans when she is sick, dry tears from shots and always have a steady supply of band-aids for when she refuses to listen to me about climbing on the couch.
I try to be a good student. Paying close attention to financial aid deadlines, course registration dates and participation requirements. I try to find the time to devote as much time as possible to my studies, as i do this for the betterment of my daughter and I.
I try to be a good employee. Trying my very best to make it to work on time, finish my required tasks, and stand out above the crowd. I do more than asked of me most days, stay longer than required and travel to other stores without the slightest hint of reluctancy. And I do all of this for such a low wage, I can not even afford to live.
I try to be a good friend, sister and daughter to those who depend on me. I do my best to rearrange my schedule if something last minute comes up. I rarely complain about bringing people places, or loaning them things, etc. I constantly drop my plans to accomedate others, never letting them know what I put off to see them or help them out.
I try to be a good tenant to my landlord. Paying the rent on time, and not harping about the conditions of my apartment constantly. I don't complain about the shitty neighbors I have that take my parking space, leave shit all over the property, and are just generally rude people.
And I try to best to be the best significant other to the person I am with. I am thoughtful and respectful. I am not a jealous person, I do not have or deal with drama in my life, I am pretty laid back and don't require much from another. All I ask is for the same thoughtfulness, honesty and respect in return. This seems to be too much to ask. I am a reasonably open minded person, who can definitely relate to shitty things popping up out of nowhere and needing to cancel plans, etc.
I have turned down hanging out with guy friends because it seemed inappropriate. And even though I wanted SO badly to see 'him' this weekend, I thought that it wasn't the right thing to do, especially being you said you would be here to see us. And yet, here we sit ..... only after 24hrs of silence, and me deciding to track you down to figure out what's going on, did I get the most 1/2 assed explination of the situation.
I just ..... I have too many other things that I am trying to accomplish right now to stress about you. A very wise man told me once 'you deserve to be happy and loved'. And I think that along with that is not having to stress about something that should make you happy. When do you decide that you have already put in more energy, stress and emotion than you said you would? When do you step back, stop pretending, and just grab what you really want?
I try to be a good mom. Finding the balance between dicipline and allowing her to have a fun childhood. I try to pick and choose what she is subjected to, choose the right food and toys for her. I cancel plans when she is sick, dry tears from shots and always have a steady supply of band-aids for when she refuses to listen to me about climbing on the couch.
I try to be a good student. Paying close attention to financial aid deadlines, course registration dates and participation requirements. I try to find the time to devote as much time as possible to my studies, as i do this for the betterment of my daughter and I.
I try to be a good employee. Trying my very best to make it to work on time, finish my required tasks, and stand out above the crowd. I do more than asked of me most days, stay longer than required and travel to other stores without the slightest hint of reluctancy. And I do all of this for such a low wage, I can not even afford to live.
I try to be a good friend, sister and daughter to those who depend on me. I do my best to rearrange my schedule if something last minute comes up. I rarely complain about bringing people places, or loaning them things, etc. I constantly drop my plans to accomedate others, never letting them know what I put off to see them or help them out.
I try to be a good tenant to my landlord. Paying the rent on time, and not harping about the conditions of my apartment constantly. I don't complain about the shitty neighbors I have that take my parking space, leave shit all over the property, and are just generally rude people.
And I try to best to be the best significant other to the person I am with. I am thoughtful and respectful. I am not a jealous person, I do not have or deal with drama in my life, I am pretty laid back and don't require much from another. All I ask is for the same thoughtfulness, honesty and respect in return. This seems to be too much to ask. I am a reasonably open minded person, who can definitely relate to shitty things popping up out of nowhere and needing to cancel plans, etc.
I have turned down hanging out with guy friends because it seemed inappropriate. And even though I wanted SO badly to see 'him' this weekend, I thought that it wasn't the right thing to do, especially being you said you would be here to see us. And yet, here we sit ..... only after 24hrs of silence, and me deciding to track you down to figure out what's going on, did I get the most 1/2 assed explination of the situation.
I just ..... I have too many other things that I am trying to accomplish right now to stress about you. A very wise man told me once 'you deserve to be happy and loved'. And I think that along with that is not having to stress about something that should make you happy. When do you decide that you have already put in more energy, stress and emotion than you said you would? When do you step back, stop pretending, and just grab what you really want?
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
update 101
so ... i finally got some time for myself, and worked up the courage to actually put myself on the line and go see Ryan. And I must say, I'm quite happy that i did. i've never had so much enjoyment come out of sitting around for 9 hours and watching tv. Granted, I was super tired at work the next day being those 9 hours started at 8pm, haha, but it was very much worth it.
This weekend is the fourth of july, moms for a bbq and parade thing on friday, taking Acsha to the circus on Sunday. And i get to see Ryan! YAY.
Should be a good time all around.
This weekend is the fourth of july, moms for a bbq and parade thing on friday, taking Acsha to the circus on Sunday. And i get to see Ryan! YAY.
Should be a good time all around.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
catch 22
So i sit here and think ... really, what is the point of a relationship? I mean, basically, you just live with another person, and do things at the same time, such as eat, watch tv, shop, etc. Sure, there's that whole love thing, but really, break it down to the most simple concept ..... you share a space with another human being.
I'm not so sure I really require that in my life.
Because with that space sharing comes feeling like you have to entertain somebody, like you can't just sit around and do what you did before they got there. There is now another person in your space, changing up your routine, the food you buy, the places you go.
There are times when it would be nice to have another adult to talk to ..... but to open my space, and give regular attention to another person? Hmm, i just don't know. It seems like an awful lot of work, and time, and energy just for the end result to be that you share a space for the rest of your life. I mean, i'm done having children, i've already done the marriage AND divorce thing, maybe i'm just over it all? Call me cynical but it just seems like a big cat and mouse game.
The only thing that makes a relationship different than say, living with my brother, is sex. And quite frankly, i can more than live without that due to all the other crap that goes along with it.
I'm not so sure I really require that in my life.
Because with that space sharing comes feeling like you have to entertain somebody, like you can't just sit around and do what you did before they got there. There is now another person in your space, changing up your routine, the food you buy, the places you go.
There are times when it would be nice to have another adult to talk to ..... but to open my space, and give regular attention to another person? Hmm, i just don't know. It seems like an awful lot of work, and time, and energy just for the end result to be that you share a space for the rest of your life. I mean, i'm done having children, i've already done the marriage AND divorce thing, maybe i'm just over it all? Call me cynical but it just seems like a big cat and mouse game.
The only thing that makes a relationship different than say, living with my brother, is sex. And quite frankly, i can more than live without that due to all the other crap that goes along with it.
Monday, June 23, 2008
update 101
Well, the 2007-2008 school year is officially over. New year starts July 7th, in which i'll be taking 15 credits the 1st semester and trying not to burn myself out with work, school and being a mom.
things here are ok, money still sucks but most things get paid on time which is a step in the upward direction.
my uncle came back from the brink of being clinically dead and is doing amazingly well. i do believe they are going to release him home soon.
work is, well work. i pretty much get the hours i want, on the days i want. i've settled myself into a pretty nice position. I would really enjoy a raise, but i can deal for the time being. i just keep my fingers crossed that my aunt gets her new car soon, so i can have hers and not have to spend $100/week on gas anymore. that will help everything tun a whole lot smoother.
acsha is done with school until the middle of july, then her summer program starts. she's all registered for pre-k in the fall, and she is super excited about riding the big yellow bus and going to the 'big' school. i hope she still feels that way when it actually gets here. we have her evaluation on the 1st. i expect that she'll be slightly more advanced than the other kids.
rumor is terry's pregnant again.
enough said about that.
gianna's visits have become more frequent but i suspect it is because gian is back on the 'we should get back together' kick. i'm not feeding into it, but i do enjoy seeing her more.
besides those things, nothing else is really going on. looking forward to my bday get together at the end of july, and the start of my new classes.
things here are ok, money still sucks but most things get paid on time which is a step in the upward direction.
my uncle came back from the brink of being clinically dead and is doing amazingly well. i do believe they are going to release him home soon.
work is, well work. i pretty much get the hours i want, on the days i want. i've settled myself into a pretty nice position. I would really enjoy a raise, but i can deal for the time being. i just keep my fingers crossed that my aunt gets her new car soon, so i can have hers and not have to spend $100/week on gas anymore. that will help everything tun a whole lot smoother.
acsha is done with school until the middle of july, then her summer program starts. she's all registered for pre-k in the fall, and she is super excited about riding the big yellow bus and going to the 'big' school. i hope she still feels that way when it actually gets here. we have her evaluation on the 1st. i expect that she'll be slightly more advanced than the other kids.
rumor is terry's pregnant again.
enough said about that.
gianna's visits have become more frequent but i suspect it is because gian is back on the 'we should get back together' kick. i'm not feeding into it, but i do enjoy seeing her more.
besides those things, nothing else is really going on. looking forward to my bday get together at the end of july, and the start of my new classes.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Time in a bottle .....
It's been awhile since i've posted.
School is going ok. It's hit or miss as to whether i have the time to do my homework or not. But over all i think i am doing well in the class, A's i do believe.
Work is crazy, i've been working between 2 stores the past few weeks. 15 days straight, 12hr days, some sweet OT and it's allowing me catch up on bills. I got my propane back, which is awesome. Stopped the electric disconnect, and have managed to keep current with the few other bills i have.
When i'm not working insane hours, or sitting in front of this thing pumping out papers for school i've been hanging with t and the kids, trying to enjoy what little down time i get. i have this weekend off, which will be nice seeings how it is memorial day and all that jazz.
went to PA to meet with the lawyer on the 19th, came back the 20th. t and all the kids came down with me, it was a nice drive, nice visit, nice trip over all. they should be coming up to visit with in the next few weeks, so that's exciting. got the final divorce papers in the mail the other day, it is kind of surreal to see and read them.
my uncle goes in for his final surgery with-in the next week. there is little chance he will make it through the surgery, and less chance he will survive afterwards ... due to chance of infection and whatnot being they have to leave it as an open wound.
i suppose we should be prepared for this, but, i have a feeling that couldn't be further from the truth. our family is about to rocked apart, and i wish i just go far away as to not have to deal with it.
School is going ok. It's hit or miss as to whether i have the time to do my homework or not. But over all i think i am doing well in the class, A's i do believe.
Work is crazy, i've been working between 2 stores the past few weeks. 15 days straight, 12hr days, some sweet OT and it's allowing me catch up on bills. I got my propane back, which is awesome. Stopped the electric disconnect, and have managed to keep current with the few other bills i have.
When i'm not working insane hours, or sitting in front of this thing pumping out papers for school i've been hanging with t and the kids, trying to enjoy what little down time i get. i have this weekend off, which will be nice seeings how it is memorial day and all that jazz.
went to PA to meet with the lawyer on the 19th, came back the 20th. t and all the kids came down with me, it was a nice drive, nice visit, nice trip over all. they should be coming up to visit with in the next few weeks, so that's exciting. got the final divorce papers in the mail the other day, it is kind of surreal to see and read them.
my uncle goes in for his final surgery with-in the next week. there is little chance he will make it through the surgery, and less chance he will survive afterwards ... due to chance of infection and whatnot being they have to leave it as an open wound.
i suppose we should be prepared for this, but, i have a feeling that couldn't be further from the truth. our family is about to rocked apart, and i wish i just go far away as to not have to deal with it.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
insomnia
i knew going to bed at 8 was not the greatest thing i could have chose to do.
it did however, make the swelling in my jaw go away and i can now clench my teeth again. chewing should be much more enjoyable now. I don't feel nearly as sick as i did when i went to sleep, so that too is a bonus. i did wake up at 2am lacking the ability to sleep more than 20minutes at a time, and finally gave up around 4.
i don't really have much to post, it's more about killing the next couple minutes until the morning news is on, the sun starts peaking out and i don't feel so gross about starting the day. and on that note, i am cold, and the warmth of my comfy blankets are calling me.
it did however, make the swelling in my jaw go away and i can now clench my teeth again. chewing should be much more enjoyable now. I don't feel nearly as sick as i did when i went to sleep, so that too is a bonus. i did wake up at 2am lacking the ability to sleep more than 20minutes at a time, and finally gave up around 4.
i don't really have much to post, it's more about killing the next couple minutes until the morning news is on, the sun starts peaking out and i don't feel so gross about starting the day. and on that note, i am cold, and the warmth of my comfy blankets are calling me.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Future
It will be interesting to see the looks on people's faces when this eventually gets released to the people i know ..... the people i write about .... the people who think they know me.
I'm not in very high spirits today. Too much idle time does not do this girl any good. My mind is far too active to spend hours on end occupying itself. The end result of today's thinking leave me feeling a bit useless, unwanted, neglected, self absorbed at times, slightly too critical other times, and down right hating myself 90% of the time.
Frederick makes comments about how i carry myself with amazing posture, and that i walk around with my head held high, i convey confidence and success and command respect when i enter a room. he says i have style like no other and is constantly telling me how awesome my thoughts, morals and personality are. If he only knew that under that confident shell is a woman who loathes her very existance. If it were not for my children, i would not be here.
I keep having dreams about Chris T. Nothing super spectacular, ackward or note worthy. Just make-you-feel-good dreams. He has that effect on me, and has had since i've met him. yet why is it ... the one guy i've been with that i actually believe ..... i pushed away the absolute hardest? There was no doubt in my mind that he thought i was amazing, that he loved me, that the sun in his world rose and set around me.
I am far too physically imperfect for most people. I am good for a laugh, great to hang out with, absolutely ok to sleep with .... on a regular basis even, but longevity .... no. It's superficial flaws that people find ..... Do they not think that those very flaws bother me as well? Do they honestly think that i enjoy walking around hating myself, reluctant to open my mouth. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own skin as i am right now. I hate waking up each morning, i hate putting on clothes, looking in the mirror. I hate knowing that if i stand there in nice clothes, with make up, i look decent. But tear down the true layers and i am damaged beyond repair.
But it is the outside we see. The outside we care about. The outside that makes us wanted.
Fuck what's inside.
I'm proving to those people who say they're not shallow, that they are indeed. The internet is truly a glorious thing. It gives you the ability to know somebody with out ever having to actual say a thing to them. It takes away a good portion of the superficial aspects of meeting somebody. It allows you to show a guy who says he would absolutely never be with somebody with bad teeth, or skin, etc. That they can 'meet' talk to and grow quite fond of somebody who very well contains those very flaws. It shows them that those stupid fucking things arent nearly as important as they want to think they are. It shows them how much of a fucking asshole they are, and that they are missing out on great things by having their head up their ass.
And naturally, on a day when i just want to disappear, my daughter is sick. and now won't sleep. I fucking swear, when does it get any easier? I have far too mcuh life left to live it like this. I won't do it.
I'm not in very high spirits today. Too much idle time does not do this girl any good. My mind is far too active to spend hours on end occupying itself. The end result of today's thinking leave me feeling a bit useless, unwanted, neglected, self absorbed at times, slightly too critical other times, and down right hating myself 90% of the time.
Frederick makes comments about how i carry myself with amazing posture, and that i walk around with my head held high, i convey confidence and success and command respect when i enter a room. he says i have style like no other and is constantly telling me how awesome my thoughts, morals and personality are. If he only knew that under that confident shell is a woman who loathes her very existance. If it were not for my children, i would not be here.
I keep having dreams about Chris T. Nothing super spectacular, ackward or note worthy. Just make-you-feel-good dreams. He has that effect on me, and has had since i've met him. yet why is it ... the one guy i've been with that i actually believe ..... i pushed away the absolute hardest? There was no doubt in my mind that he thought i was amazing, that he loved me, that the sun in his world rose and set around me.
I am far too physically imperfect for most people. I am good for a laugh, great to hang out with, absolutely ok to sleep with .... on a regular basis even, but longevity .... no. It's superficial flaws that people find ..... Do they not think that those very flaws bother me as well? Do they honestly think that i enjoy walking around hating myself, reluctant to open my mouth. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own skin as i am right now. I hate waking up each morning, i hate putting on clothes, looking in the mirror. I hate knowing that if i stand there in nice clothes, with make up, i look decent. But tear down the true layers and i am damaged beyond repair.
But it is the outside we see. The outside we care about. The outside that makes us wanted.
Fuck what's inside.
I'm proving to those people who say they're not shallow, that they are indeed. The internet is truly a glorious thing. It gives you the ability to know somebody with out ever having to actual say a thing to them. It takes away a good portion of the superficial aspects of meeting somebody. It allows you to show a guy who says he would absolutely never be with somebody with bad teeth, or skin, etc. That they can 'meet' talk to and grow quite fond of somebody who very well contains those very flaws. It shows them that those stupid fucking things arent nearly as important as they want to think they are. It shows them how much of a fucking asshole they are, and that they are missing out on great things by having their head up their ass.
And naturally, on a day when i just want to disappear, my daughter is sick. and now won't sleep. I fucking swear, when does it get any easier? I have far too mcuh life left to live it like this. I won't do it.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Gone in a flash
I am not quite sure where April went really .... but ready of not, here comes May.
My car has officially blown the head gasket.
DeVry has kicked me out and now wants repayment of my loans.
I need a new stove and hot water heater as right now I have neither that work.
I owe my landlord $400.
The electric company is going to ban me from use if I don't pay them an insane amount.
I will be getting a new phone bill any day now.
I have no gas in my car to get to work next week.
Things aren't looking to happy in my life right now.
It's really getting old ..... fast.
My uncle's cancer has spread to his rectum. Chemo isn't working, it's just spreading like wild fire at this point. The family is once again preparing for the worst. Gram is making funeral arrangements for her son ..... disgusting.
My cousin's situation is falling apart as well, I have no idea where her head is most of the time. It is her life, and she is able to do with it as she will, but she needs to keep her child as the most important thought, and I fear she isn't doing that.
My car has officially blown the head gasket.
DeVry has kicked me out and now wants repayment of my loans.
I need a new stove and hot water heater as right now I have neither that work.
I owe my landlord $400.
The electric company is going to ban me from use if I don't pay them an insane amount.
I will be getting a new phone bill any day now.
I have no gas in my car to get to work next week.
Things aren't looking to happy in my life right now.
It's really getting old ..... fast.
My uncle's cancer has spread to his rectum. Chemo isn't working, it's just spreading like wild fire at this point. The family is once again preparing for the worst. Gram is making funeral arrangements for her son ..... disgusting.
My cousin's situation is falling apart as well, I have no idea where her head is most of the time. It is her life, and she is able to do with it as she will, but she needs to keep her child as the most important thought, and I fear she isn't doing that.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Hate to say i told you so
Bleh .... i hate proving myself right.
i should have known better. well, and shit, i did know better. But the other times you were so open and honest and up front about not wanting anything more than a piece of ass, and i was the one who m ade it 'complicated' for myself i guess. so this time, i mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the 'just a piece of ass' scenerio, and honestly, that is all i wanted this time. a way to ease the sting of the recent break up, but YOU made it conmplicated this time. and i was strong, and i resisted the urge to surface all the old suppressed feelings i had for you. and then, the dam broke and they all came out. but you said that's what you wanted, that this was what you wanted, we were what you knew you wanted.
and now, 2 months later, i feel like we're back at square 1. and somehow, i still find myelf feeling guilty, like i still need to be the one to feel ackward about things. well no, fuck you. i didnt want any of this to be this way, i KNEW this is how i would feel, and this is how it would turn out. and i should have just listened to myself and have known, you live for YOUR selfish moment regardless of who you break in the process.
i have never been quite perfect enough for you, you always a find a flaw. but this time, you felt more lost than ever before, so desperate to get that feeling back that you pushed for something you didnt really want .... well i didnt want it either. and yet, you will still be the one to walk away unscathed.
i say i love you too much
so i'll say i hate you for tonight.
i should have known better. well, and shit, i did know better. But the other times you were so open and honest and up front about not wanting anything more than a piece of ass, and i was the one who m ade it 'complicated' for myself i guess. so this time, i mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the 'just a piece of ass' scenerio, and honestly, that is all i wanted this time. a way to ease the sting of the recent break up, but YOU made it conmplicated this time. and i was strong, and i resisted the urge to surface all the old suppressed feelings i had for you. and then, the dam broke and they all came out. but you said that's what you wanted, that this was what you wanted, we were what you knew you wanted.
and now, 2 months later, i feel like we're back at square 1. and somehow, i still find myelf feeling guilty, like i still need to be the one to feel ackward about things. well no, fuck you. i didnt want any of this to be this way, i KNEW this is how i would feel, and this is how it would turn out. and i should have just listened to myself and have known, you live for YOUR selfish moment regardless of who you break in the process.
i have never been quite perfect enough for you, you always a find a flaw. but this time, you felt more lost than ever before, so desperate to get that feeling back that you pushed for something you didnt really want .... well i didnt want it either. and yet, you will still be the one to walk away unscathed.
i say i love you too much
so i'll say i hate you for tonight.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Don't push me ....
I can not wait until somebody comes to me and needs something again. For as long as I can remember I have gone out of my way for people.
I drive around to run your errands on MY gas money when you don't feel good or can't leave work. I come to your house and agree to help you do YOUR job which requires me to stay up half the night and pay for a sitter. In the summer months I go to your house and help you stack cords of firewood, even with a shitty back. (person 1)
I love it when 'he' tries to compare situations. When you live down the street from your millionaire parents who pay for your day care and help keep your credit card up to date. How you want to claim that you're so strapped for money as you pull out your cell phone or talk about your on-demand tv or your new gaming system. Your situation is nothing like mine, and it never will be. And I sit back, day in and day out giving you the biggest sacrifice a woman could ever make, and you want to look down on me. You will get yours, your day will come.
I will overcome this, and with the help of nobody but myself, that you can bet on. I keep my mouth shut and my pride inside and keep plugging along day after day. It has been eons since anyone has heard a thing from me. Things are finally to the point where I could actually use some help and am putting myself out there asking for it, and you all turn your back as if you don't me. I won't forget that. And the help I am asking for, isn't even A-typical help. I spaced, messed up something ..... something that will be fixed by the end of the week, and nobody can be bothered. Well thank you kindly. I will more than sure to return the favor should the occassion ever arrise.
I am done with people. All people.
you all fucking suck.
I drive around to run your errands on MY gas money when you don't feel good or can't leave work. I come to your house and agree to help you do YOUR job which requires me to stay up half the night and pay for a sitter. In the summer months I go to your house and help you stack cords of firewood, even with a shitty back. (person 1)
I love it when 'he' tries to compare situations. When you live down the street from your millionaire parents who pay for your day care and help keep your credit card up to date. How you want to claim that you're so strapped for money as you pull out your cell phone or talk about your on-demand tv or your new gaming system. Your situation is nothing like mine, and it never will be. And I sit back, day in and day out giving you the biggest sacrifice a woman could ever make, and you want to look down on me. You will get yours, your day will come.
I will overcome this, and with the help of nobody but myself, that you can bet on. I keep my mouth shut and my pride inside and keep plugging along day after day. It has been eons since anyone has heard a thing from me. Things are finally to the point where I could actually use some help and am putting myself out there asking for it, and you all turn your back as if you don't me. I won't forget that. And the help I am asking for, isn't even A-typical help. I spaced, messed up something ..... something that will be fixed by the end of the week, and nobody can be bothered. Well thank you kindly. I will more than sure to return the favor should the occassion ever arrise.
I am done with people. All people.
you all fucking suck.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Honesty
Honestly -
i'm kind of sad about my divorce
i just want to 'fit in'
i hate being alone in any sense of the word
i dont enjoy being a mom every single day
i thought about driving my car off a cliff the other day
i sometimes wonder what he's doing
i'm falling deeper into debt each day
i wish i had more people to hang out with
i make plans with no intentions of keeping them
i was happier when i had more money
my job is a joke
i'm sick of pasting on a smile
i really am a bitch, but it is with good reason
i have no idea what i want out of life
my personality is very co-dependent
i'm falling in love with him
i dont mind not talking to my mom or dad
nothing in my life is in order
i feel like i have no right raising a child
i dont want to do it by myself anymore
my resentment will go away if i could speak my mind
i have no interest in politics
i want plastic surgery
i dont know if i can handle long seperations
i need to go to sleep now.
i'm kind of sad about my divorce
i just want to 'fit in'
i hate being alone in any sense of the word
i dont enjoy being a mom every single day
i thought about driving my car off a cliff the other day
i sometimes wonder what he's doing
i'm falling deeper into debt each day
i wish i had more people to hang out with
i make plans with no intentions of keeping them
i was happier when i had more money
my job is a joke
i'm sick of pasting on a smile
i really am a bitch, but it is with good reason
i have no idea what i want out of life
my personality is very co-dependent
i'm falling in love with him
i dont mind not talking to my mom or dad
nothing in my life is in order
i feel like i have no right raising a child
i dont want to do it by myself anymore
my resentment will go away if i could speak my mind
i have no interest in politics
i want plastic surgery
i dont know if i can handle long seperations
i need to go to sleep now.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Free and easy .....
Sushi?! who blogs about sushi?! you are a strange one, that is for sure.
I sit back and read other people blogs, see what's on their minds, see what they feel like sharing with the world. I get sushi, generalized updates about things here and there, copied and pasted song lyrics, and every so often a good rant and rave.
Lately i have been really fascinated with the theory of 6 degrees of seperation, or maybe it's 7 degrees. well however many degrees we pick, it's interesting. And recently i have come to see that in my crazy hectic world 6-7 degrees is way more than we need. More times than not 2, maybe 3 will more than suffice. It's insane who knows who, and how we're all connected. I think i am going to sit and try to construct a fun little spider-web type chart to show everyone in my life how they connect. Seriously people, you know or have dealt with just about everyone, their brother cousin or sister at some point in your life. Insane man ..... just blows my mind.
I need to run some errands, enjoy the sunshine and hopefully have enough motivation to go for another run at some point today. My legs are on fire, but i need to keep going.
Chris leaves for the beach on Sat. morning. It's going to suck not having him around. All though, this past week i only saw him 2x's, so it's not like he's leaving town for a week after spending massive amounts of time with us. I hope he has a good time ....... and bring sus back some sunshine and warmth, that would be superb!!
*sigh*
get your head out of your ass.
open your eyes man.
I sit back and read other people blogs, see what's on their minds, see what they feel like sharing with the world. I get sushi, generalized updates about things here and there, copied and pasted song lyrics, and every so often a good rant and rave.
Lately i have been really fascinated with the theory of 6 degrees of seperation, or maybe it's 7 degrees. well however many degrees we pick, it's interesting. And recently i have come to see that in my crazy hectic world 6-7 degrees is way more than we need. More times than not 2, maybe 3 will more than suffice. It's insane who knows who, and how we're all connected. I think i am going to sit and try to construct a fun little spider-web type chart to show everyone in my life how they connect. Seriously people, you know or have dealt with just about everyone, their brother cousin or sister at some point in your life. Insane man ..... just blows my mind.
I need to run some errands, enjoy the sunshine and hopefully have enough motivation to go for another run at some point today. My legs are on fire, but i need to keep going.
Chris leaves for the beach on Sat. morning. It's going to suck not having him around. All though, this past week i only saw him 2x's, so it's not like he's leaving town for a week after spending massive amounts of time with us. I hope he has a good time ....... and bring sus back some sunshine and warmth, that would be superb!!
*sigh*
get your head out of your ass.
open your eyes man.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Be careful what you wish for
seems cliche, but how true it rings at this current moment and time.
QUEST TO KEEP THE CAR RUNNING
This has been an on going quest for the past 6 months give or take. If it's not the fuel system, it's the electrical issues, and more recently the heater core/thermostat/massive coolant loss w/possible blown head gasket that keeps me busy. Tis good times if i do say so myself.
QUEST TO KEEP THE JOB
Amidst the ever present automobile issues comes the daily stress of a commute that would choke a horse. It's mundane, and drawn out and most days i drive it without realizing i have done so. 30 minutes of checking the temp. guage and oil pressure. Songs 2-7 play on the CD and i have arrived. One more day of checking out boxes and damaged goods, one more day of trying to make it through the 7 boring hours i am there. 1 more day gone for pennies an hour it seems.
QUEST TO BE GRATEFUL
i have a roof over my head, though its a leaky one at that. i have food in my cupboards, and there is a nearly ever present smile on my child's face. The sun shines most days and i make it through unscathed, yet i want more. i went running today. my feet hitting the pavement, my thoughts racing as i try to clear my head and focus on the patterns of my breathing ... to no avail.
QUEST TO STOP WISHING
5 years now i have known him ... and since day 1, there has been something about the way he talks, acts, handles himself. something about him that has drawn me in. no matter what we may do in our lives, and no matter what the other chooses to say we always come back to this, but never quite this close to what i've wished for. i've wanted to not have to share him, to not wonder about who else he is seeing, or courting. i've wanted to be the girl he wants to be with, i have it now ..... but what do i do with it?1 it once again seems like it's come at a time that is out of sync with our lives. he heads 3000 miles west in a few weeks, and then heads 10000 miles east for a year or so. i just wonder ...... once again ..... how hard do you push for something? and what if ... yet again, you find yourself feeling like you need them more than they need you.
i fear this is a quest i shall never accomplish to my liking. i'm not even sure i would recognize the end of the quest should i get to it.
QUEST TO NOT BE THE 'OTHER' GIRL
i have been the other girl before .... it's not much fun. granted, if you enter the situation knowing you will be just that, and nothing more, its ok. but being told you're awesome ... and i know it's true. well, i know this person has told me the same things for about 3-4 yrs now .... and we've hung out once ... it was a mess, but we've talked massive amounts. so he gets ahold of you, out of the blue ... says he misses you, wants to hang out/catch up, etc. yet he has a girlfriend, who (like all guys) he claims is a bitch, and is nothing serious. THEN, you find out that you not only know his girlfriend, but you work with her ... and she already isnt fond of you. and THEN you find out that it's slightly more serious than 'not serious at all.'
Moral conflict. I have no interest in hanging out with him. But ..... when you get a message that says ..... i miss you, would you like to have dinner with me? and then see his g/f at work the next day ..... and she glares a hole in your forehead. do you assume she knows? or is she really just that bitchy of a person.
ahhh, the million dollar question to which i barely can add my 2cents.
QUEST TO KEEP THE CAR RUNNING
This has been an on going quest for the past 6 months give or take. If it's not the fuel system, it's the electrical issues, and more recently the heater core/thermostat/massive coolant loss w/possible blown head gasket that keeps me busy. Tis good times if i do say so myself.
QUEST TO KEEP THE JOB
Amidst the ever present automobile issues comes the daily stress of a commute that would choke a horse. It's mundane, and drawn out and most days i drive it without realizing i have done so. 30 minutes of checking the temp. guage and oil pressure. Songs 2-7 play on the CD and i have arrived. One more day of checking out boxes and damaged goods, one more day of trying to make it through the 7 boring hours i am there. 1 more day gone for pennies an hour it seems.
QUEST TO BE GRATEFUL
i have a roof over my head, though its a leaky one at that. i have food in my cupboards, and there is a nearly ever present smile on my child's face. The sun shines most days and i make it through unscathed, yet i want more. i went running today. my feet hitting the pavement, my thoughts racing as i try to clear my head and focus on the patterns of my breathing ... to no avail.
QUEST TO STOP WISHING
5 years now i have known him ... and since day 1, there has been something about the way he talks, acts, handles himself. something about him that has drawn me in. no matter what we may do in our lives, and no matter what the other chooses to say we always come back to this, but never quite this close to what i've wished for. i've wanted to not have to share him, to not wonder about who else he is seeing, or courting. i've wanted to be the girl he wants to be with, i have it now ..... but what do i do with it?1 it once again seems like it's come at a time that is out of sync with our lives. he heads 3000 miles west in a few weeks, and then heads 10000 miles east for a year or so. i just wonder ...... once again ..... how hard do you push for something? and what if ... yet again, you find yourself feeling like you need them more than they need you.
i fear this is a quest i shall never accomplish to my liking. i'm not even sure i would recognize the end of the quest should i get to it.
QUEST TO NOT BE THE 'OTHER' GIRL
i have been the other girl before .... it's not much fun. granted, if you enter the situation knowing you will be just that, and nothing more, its ok. but being told you're awesome ... and i know it's true. well, i know this person has told me the same things for about 3-4 yrs now .... and we've hung out once ... it was a mess, but we've talked massive amounts. so he gets ahold of you, out of the blue ... says he misses you, wants to hang out/catch up, etc. yet he has a girlfriend, who (like all guys) he claims is a bitch, and is nothing serious. THEN, you find out that you not only know his girlfriend, but you work with her ... and she already isnt fond of you. and THEN you find out that it's slightly more serious than 'not serious at all.'
Moral conflict. I have no interest in hanging out with him. But ..... when you get a message that says ..... i miss you, would you like to have dinner with me? and then see his g/f at work the next day ..... and she glares a hole in your forehead. do you assume she knows? or is she really just that bitchy of a person.
ahhh, the million dollar question to which i barely can add my 2cents.
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