Future

It will be interesting to see the looks on people's faces when this eventually gets released to the people i know ..... the people i write about .... the people who think they know me.

I'm not in very high spirits today. Too much idle time does not do this girl any good. My mind is far too active to spend hours on end occupying itself. The end result of today's thinking leave me feeling a bit useless, unwanted, neglected, self absorbed at times, slightly too critical other times, and down right hating myself 90% of the time.

Frederick makes comments about how i carry myself with amazing posture, and that i walk around with my head held high, i convey confidence and success and command respect when i enter a room. he says i have style like no other and is constantly telling me how awesome my thoughts, morals and personality are. If he only knew that under that confident shell is a woman who loathes her very existance. If it were not for my children, i would not be here.

I keep having dreams about Chris T. Nothing super spectacular, ackward or note worthy. Just make-you-feel-good dreams. He has that effect on me, and has had since i've met him. yet why is it ... the one guy i've been with that i actually believe ..... i pushed away the absolute hardest? There was no doubt in my mind that he thought i was amazing, that he loved me, that the sun in his world rose and set around me.

I am far too physically imperfect for most people. I am good for a laugh, great to hang out with, absolutely ok to sleep with .... on a regular basis even, but longevity .... no. It's superficial flaws that people find ..... Do they not think that those very flaws bother me as well? Do they honestly think that i enjoy walking around hating myself, reluctant to open my mouth. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own skin as i am right now. I hate waking up each morning, i hate putting on clothes, looking in the mirror. I hate knowing that if i stand there in nice clothes, with make up, i look decent. But tear down the true layers and i am damaged beyond repair.

But it is the outside we see. The outside we care about. The outside that makes us wanted.
Fuck what's inside.

I'm proving to those people who say they're not shallow, that they are indeed. The internet is truly a glorious thing. It gives you the ability to know somebody with out ever having to actual say a thing to them. It takes away a good portion of the superficial aspects of meeting somebody. It allows you to show a guy who says he would absolutely never be with somebody with bad teeth, or skin, etc. That they can 'meet' talk to and grow quite fond of somebody who very well contains those very flaws. It shows them that those stupid fucking things arent nearly as important as they want to think they are. It shows them how much of a fucking asshole they are, and that they are missing out on great things by having their head up their ass.

And naturally, on a day when i just want to disappear, my daughter is sick. and now won't sleep. I fucking swear, when does it get any easier? I have far too mcuh life left to live it like this. I won't do it.