Hate to say i told you so

Bleh .... i hate proving myself right.

i should have known better. well, and shit, i did know better. But the other times you were so open and honest and up front about not wanting anything more than a piece of ass, and i was the one who m ade it 'complicated' for myself i guess. so this time, i mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the 'just a piece of ass' scenerio, and honestly, that is all i wanted this time. a way to ease the sting of the recent break up, but YOU made it conmplicated this time. and i was strong, and i resisted the urge to surface all the old suppressed feelings i had for you. and then, the dam broke and they all came out. but you said that's what you wanted, that this was what you wanted, we were what you knew you wanted.

and now, 2 months later, i feel like we're back at square 1. and somehow, i still find myelf feeling guilty, like i still need to be the one to feel ackward about things. well no, fuck you. i didnt want any of this to be this way, i KNEW this is how i would feel, and this is how it would turn out. and i should have just listened to myself and have known, you live for YOUR selfish moment regardless of who you break in the process.

i have never been quite perfect enough for you, you always a find a flaw. but this time, you felt more lost than ever before, so desperate to get that feeling back that you pushed for something you didnt really want .... well i didnt want it either. and yet, you will still be the one to walk away unscathed.

i say i love you too much
so i'll say i hate you for tonight.

if truth be told ....

can not wait to see you.

Don't push me ....

I can not wait until somebody comes to me and needs something again. For as long as I can remember I have gone out of my way for people.

I drive around to run your errands on MY gas money when you don't feel good or can't leave work. I come to your house and agree to help you do YOUR job which requires me to stay up half the night and pay for a sitter. In the summer months I go to your house and help you stack cords of firewood, even with a shitty back. (person 1)

I love it when 'he' tries to compare situations. When you live down the street from your millionaire parents who pay for your day care and help keep your credit card up to date. How you want to claim that you're so strapped for money as you pull out your cell phone or talk about your on-demand tv or your new gaming system. Your situation is nothing like mine, and it never will be. And I sit back, day in and day out giving you the biggest sacrifice a woman could ever make, and you want to look down on me. You will get yours, your day will come.

I will overcome this, and with the help of nobody but myself, that you can bet on. I keep my mouth shut and my pride inside and keep plugging along day after day. It has been eons since anyone has heard a thing from me. Things are finally to the point where I could actually use some help and am putting myself out there asking for it, and you all turn your back as if you don't me. I won't forget that. And the help I am asking for, isn't even A-typical help. I spaced, messed up something ..... something that will be fixed by the end of the week, and nobody can be bothered. Well thank you kindly. I will more than sure to return the favor should the occassion ever arrise.


I am done with people. All people.
you all fucking suck.

Honesty

Honestly -


i'm kind of sad about my divorce
i just want to 'fit in'
i hate being alone in any sense of the word
i dont enjoy being a mom every single day
i thought about driving my car off a cliff the other day
i sometimes wonder what he's doing
i'm falling deeper into debt each day
i wish i had more people to hang out with
i make plans with no intentions of keeping them
i was happier when i had more money
my job is a joke
i'm sick of pasting on a smile
i really am a bitch, but it is with good reason
i have no idea what i want out of life
my personality is very co-dependent
i'm falling in love with him
i dont mind not talking to my mom or dad
nothing in my life is in order
i feel like i have no right raising a child
i dont want to do it by myself anymore
my resentment will go away if i could speak my mind
i have no interest in politics
i want plastic surgery
i dont know if i can handle long seperations
i need to go to sleep now.

Free and easy .....

Sushi?! who blogs about sushi?! you are a strange one, that is for sure.

I sit back and read other people blogs, see what's on their minds, see what they feel like sharing with the world. I get sushi, generalized updates about things here and there, copied and pasted song lyrics, and every so often a good rant and rave.



Lately i have been really fascinated with the theory of 6 degrees of seperation, or maybe it's 7 degrees. well however many degrees we pick, it's interesting. And recently i have come to see that in my crazy hectic world 6-7 degrees is way more than we need. More times than not 2, maybe 3 will more than suffice. It's insane who knows who, and how we're all connected. I think i am going to sit and try to construct a fun little spider-web type chart to show everyone in my life how they connect. Seriously people, you know or have dealt with just about everyone, their brother cousin or sister at some point in your life. Insane man ..... just blows my mind.

I need to run some errands, enjoy the sunshine and hopefully have enough motivation to go for another run at some point today. My legs are on fire, but i need to keep going.

Chris leaves for the beach on Sat. morning. It's going to suck not having him around. All though, this past week i only saw him 2x's, so it's not like he's leaving town for a week after spending massive amounts of time with us. I hope he has a good time ....... and bring sus back some sunshine and warmth, that would be superb!!

*sigh*
get your head out of your ass.
open your eyes man.

Be careful what you wish for

seems cliche, but how true it rings at this current moment and time.

QUEST TO KEEP THE CAR RUNNING

This has been an on going quest for the past 6 months give or take. If it's not the fuel system, it's the electrical issues, and more recently the heater core/thermostat/massive coolant loss w/possible blown head gasket that keeps me busy. Tis good times if i do say so myself.


QUEST TO KEEP THE JOB

Amidst the ever present automobile issues comes the daily stress of a commute that would choke a horse. It's mundane, and drawn out and most days i drive it without realizing i have done so. 30 minutes of checking the temp. guage and oil pressure. Songs 2-7 play on the CD and i have arrived. One more day of checking out boxes and damaged goods, one more day of trying to make it through the 7 boring hours i am there. 1 more day gone for pennies an hour it seems.


QUEST TO BE GRATEFUL

i have a roof over my head, though its a leaky one at that. i have food in my cupboards, and there is a nearly ever present smile on my child's face. The sun shines most days and i make it through unscathed, yet i want more. i went running today. my feet hitting the pavement, my thoughts racing as i try to clear my head and focus on the patterns of my breathing ... to no avail.

QUEST TO STOP WISHING

5 years now i have known him ... and since day 1, there has been something about the way he talks, acts, handles himself. something about him that has drawn me in. no matter what we may do in our lives, and no matter what the other chooses to say we always come back to this, but never quite this close to what i've wished for. i've wanted to not have to share him, to not wonder about who else he is seeing, or courting. i've wanted to be the girl he wants to be with, i have it now ..... but what do i do with it?1 it once again seems like it's come at a time that is out of sync with our lives. he heads 3000 miles west in a few weeks, and then heads 10000 miles east for a year or so. i just wonder ...... once again ..... how hard do you push for something? and what if ... yet again, you find yourself feeling like you need them more than they need you.

i fear this is a quest i shall never accomplish to my liking. i'm not even sure i would recognize the end of the quest should i get to it.


QUEST TO NOT BE THE 'OTHER' GIRL

i have been the other girl before .... it's not much fun. granted, if you enter the situation knowing you will be just that, and nothing more, its ok. but being told you're awesome ... and i know it's true. well, i know this person has told me the same things for about 3-4 yrs now .... and we've hung out once ... it was a mess, but we've talked massive amounts. so he gets ahold of you, out of the blue ... says he misses you, wants to hang out/catch up, etc. yet he has a girlfriend, who (like all guys) he claims is a bitch, and is nothing serious. THEN, you find out that you not only know his girlfriend, but you work with her ... and she already isnt fond of you. and THEN you find out that it's slightly more serious than 'not serious at all.'

Moral conflict. I have no interest in hanging out with him. But ..... when you get a message that says ..... i miss you, would you like to have dinner with me? and then see his g/f at work the next day ..... and she glares a hole in your forehead. do you assume she knows? or is she really just that bitchy of a person.

ahhh, the million dollar question to which i barely can add my 2cents.