Update 101

So we're here, and pretty much settled in and things are still great. I work a million hours still, and he tends to Acsha and the animals and the housework. I still feel as blessed as I did several months ago, if not more so.

We are financially stable, emotionally strong. I married my best friend, and while every minute of every day is not a complete walk in the park, it is by far, the most pleasurable walk I have ever been on.

I look forward to future endeavors, vacations, house buying, the talk of another child. it all comes with happiness and pure devotion. I love this man, and for once I can say with certainty, he loves me as well.

The road we had to take to get here was not what I would have imagined. The heartache I had to go through, the feelings of pure hopelessness. I had to lose him once, to keep him forever.

'And they lived happily ever after.'

marriage

So, as I sit here, in the new and oh so very empty apartment, I have some serious amount of time to reflect. In the paso month I have gotten the new apt, gotten married, and done it all while working 70hours a week and driving upwards of 1000miles or more.

I said i would never give him a 2nd thought. i said i would never get married again. i'm glad i didnt stick to that. I guess this is how a true marriage should make you feel. safe, secure and even though we're hundreds of miles apart, sitting in shitty conditions tonight, i dont feel so alone. i have a much more mature love in my life that cant be understood by anyone who hasnt gotten the chance to marry their best friend.

i am blessed.
no more army, no more being apart, no more agony and painful heartache. it's true marital bliss and the appreciation, genuine appreciation of his presence. our long awaited life together is finally going to begin. we've earned it.

Seriously?!

So, no sooner do I get over the serious blast from the past that happened over the weekend, and ANOTHER comes flying through. I mean seriously. Mentally I wrote you off about a week ago, I just hadn't had the time to sit and compose a letter as of yet.

I swear ...... i just can never win. This is the sickest joke EVER.

FUCK YOU LIFE

Hmm ....

7 months, almost to the day.
Out of the blue.
I'm not sure what to make of it.
I'm not sure your intentions or if I should even care to find out.
Curiosity gets the best of me.
We shall see.

9-29-08

I wanna ask you

Do you ever sit and wonder,

It's so strange

That we could be together for

So long, and never know,

never care

What goes on in the other one's head?

Things I've felt but I've never said

You said things that I never said

So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)

You don't know me at all

(You don't know me)

You don't know me at all

(at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin

Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me

(paint me anything)

Any face that you wanted me

To be seen.

We're Damned by the existential moment where

We saw the couple in the coma and

It was we were the cliché,

But we carried on anyway.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes.

Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,

But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)

You don't know me at all

(You don't know me)

You don't know me at all

(at all)

(You don't know me)

You don't know me at all

(You don't know me)

You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am

(Ah ah ahh)

Clueless chump you seem to think I am

(Ah ah ahhh)

So easily led astray,

An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then

Why the fuck would you want me back?!

Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)

Ahhh ahAhhh ah

(You don't know me,you don't know me.)

Ahhh ahAhhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is

What (What?)

I'm trying to tell you

It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.

(Say it.)

(You don't know me)

You don't know me at all

(You don't know me)

You don't know me at all

(at all)

(You don't know me)

You don't know me at all

(You don't know me)

You don't know me at all

(at all)

What?

(Mmmm, ohh oh)

Here i go again ...

... on my own.

i am really quite excited to get out of dodge.
it will be strange to not have acsha with my daily, but i vow to enjoy the 'break' and strive to do all i can to make our lives the best when she can come be with me.

i need this.
ready or not ....
Rutland here i come.

For better or worse?

As I await the arrival of the recruiters e-mail I think about what is to come. I wonder how I will do on the exam, and if all this worry and stress will prove to be beneficial in the end. I think of how I want to better myself, make a better life for my daughter and instantly I know this decision will do that. It may mean leaving people behind, losing friendships, starting over, but I am willing to do that for the end result.

My nerves are on edge lately. My stomach is in constant knots over the mass of uncertainty that encompasses my life lately. Mom is sicker than she is letting on, my uncle is back in the hospital for what we have been told will be the last time. We knew this day would come. I can not help but feel guilty over the fact that I am wondering how I will manage to fit a wake and funeral into my already crazy hectic life. I should be upset about death.