It's been awhile since i've posted.
School is going ok. It's hit or miss as to whether i have the time to do my homework or not. But over all i think i am doing well in the class, A's i do believe.
Work is crazy, i've been working between 2 stores the past few weeks. 15 days straight, 12hr days, some sweet OT and it's allowing me catch up on bills. I got my propane back, which is awesome. Stopped the electric disconnect, and have managed to keep current with the few other bills i have.
When i'm not working insane hours, or sitting in front of this thing pumping out papers for school i've been hanging with t and the kids, trying to enjoy what little down time i get. i have this weekend off, which will be nice seeings how it is memorial day and all that jazz.
went to PA to meet with the lawyer on the 19th, came back the 20th. t and all the kids came down with me, it was a nice drive, nice visit, nice trip over all. they should be coming up to visit with in the next few weeks, so that's exciting. got the final divorce papers in the mail the other day, it is kind of surreal to see and read them.
my uncle goes in for his final surgery with-in the next week. there is little chance he will make it through the surgery, and less chance he will survive afterwards ... due to chance of infection and whatnot being they have to leave it as an open wound.
i suppose we should be prepared for this, but, i have a feeling that couldn't be further from the truth. our family is about to rocked apart, and i wish i just go far away as to not have to deal with it.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
insomnia
i knew going to bed at 8 was not the greatest thing i could have chose to do.
it did however, make the swelling in my jaw go away and i can now clench my teeth again. chewing should be much more enjoyable now. I don't feel nearly as sick as i did when i went to sleep, so that too is a bonus. i did wake up at 2am lacking the ability to sleep more than 20minutes at a time, and finally gave up around 4.
i don't really have much to post, it's more about killing the next couple minutes until the morning news is on, the sun starts peaking out and i don't feel so gross about starting the day. and on that note, i am cold, and the warmth of my comfy blankets are calling me.
it did however, make the swelling in my jaw go away and i can now clench my teeth again. chewing should be much more enjoyable now. I don't feel nearly as sick as i did when i went to sleep, so that too is a bonus. i did wake up at 2am lacking the ability to sleep more than 20minutes at a time, and finally gave up around 4.
i don't really have much to post, it's more about killing the next couple minutes until the morning news is on, the sun starts peaking out and i don't feel so gross about starting the day. and on that note, i am cold, and the warmth of my comfy blankets are calling me.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Future
It will be interesting to see the looks on people's faces when this eventually gets released to the people i know ..... the people i write about .... the people who think they know me.
I'm not in very high spirits today. Too much idle time does not do this girl any good. My mind is far too active to spend hours on end occupying itself. The end result of today's thinking leave me feeling a bit useless, unwanted, neglected, self absorbed at times, slightly too critical other times, and down right hating myself 90% of the time.
Frederick makes comments about how i carry myself with amazing posture, and that i walk around with my head held high, i convey confidence and success and command respect when i enter a room. he says i have style like no other and is constantly telling me how awesome my thoughts, morals and personality are. If he only knew that under that confident shell is a woman who loathes her very existance. If it were not for my children, i would not be here.
I keep having dreams about Chris T. Nothing super spectacular, ackward or note worthy. Just make-you-feel-good dreams. He has that effect on me, and has had since i've met him. yet why is it ... the one guy i've been with that i actually believe ..... i pushed away the absolute hardest? There was no doubt in my mind that he thought i was amazing, that he loved me, that the sun in his world rose and set around me.
I am far too physically imperfect for most people. I am good for a laugh, great to hang out with, absolutely ok to sleep with .... on a regular basis even, but longevity .... no. It's superficial flaws that people find ..... Do they not think that those very flaws bother me as well? Do they honestly think that i enjoy walking around hating myself, reluctant to open my mouth. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own skin as i am right now. I hate waking up each morning, i hate putting on clothes, looking in the mirror. I hate knowing that if i stand there in nice clothes, with make up, i look decent. But tear down the true layers and i am damaged beyond repair.
But it is the outside we see. The outside we care about. The outside that makes us wanted.
Fuck what's inside.
I'm proving to those people who say they're not shallow, that they are indeed. The internet is truly a glorious thing. It gives you the ability to know somebody with out ever having to actual say a thing to them. It takes away a good portion of the superficial aspects of meeting somebody. It allows you to show a guy who says he would absolutely never be with somebody with bad teeth, or skin, etc. That they can 'meet' talk to and grow quite fond of somebody who very well contains those very flaws. It shows them that those stupid fucking things arent nearly as important as they want to think they are. It shows them how much of a fucking asshole they are, and that they are missing out on great things by having their head up their ass.
And naturally, on a day when i just want to disappear, my daughter is sick. and now won't sleep. I fucking swear, when does it get any easier? I have far too mcuh life left to live it like this. I won't do it.
I'm not in very high spirits today. Too much idle time does not do this girl any good. My mind is far too active to spend hours on end occupying itself. The end result of today's thinking leave me feeling a bit useless, unwanted, neglected, self absorbed at times, slightly too critical other times, and down right hating myself 90% of the time.
Frederick makes comments about how i carry myself with amazing posture, and that i walk around with my head held high, i convey confidence and success and command respect when i enter a room. he says i have style like no other and is constantly telling me how awesome my thoughts, morals and personality are. If he only knew that under that confident shell is a woman who loathes her very existance. If it were not for my children, i would not be here.
I keep having dreams about Chris T. Nothing super spectacular, ackward or note worthy. Just make-you-feel-good dreams. He has that effect on me, and has had since i've met him. yet why is it ... the one guy i've been with that i actually believe ..... i pushed away the absolute hardest? There was no doubt in my mind that he thought i was amazing, that he loved me, that the sun in his world rose and set around me.
I am far too physically imperfect for most people. I am good for a laugh, great to hang out with, absolutely ok to sleep with .... on a regular basis even, but longevity .... no. It's superficial flaws that people find ..... Do they not think that those very flaws bother me as well? Do they honestly think that i enjoy walking around hating myself, reluctant to open my mouth. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own skin as i am right now. I hate waking up each morning, i hate putting on clothes, looking in the mirror. I hate knowing that if i stand there in nice clothes, with make up, i look decent. But tear down the true layers and i am damaged beyond repair.
But it is the outside we see. The outside we care about. The outside that makes us wanted.
Fuck what's inside.
I'm proving to those people who say they're not shallow, that they are indeed. The internet is truly a glorious thing. It gives you the ability to know somebody with out ever having to actual say a thing to them. It takes away a good portion of the superficial aspects of meeting somebody. It allows you to show a guy who says he would absolutely never be with somebody with bad teeth, or skin, etc. That they can 'meet' talk to and grow quite fond of somebody who very well contains those very flaws. It shows them that those stupid fucking things arent nearly as important as they want to think they are. It shows them how much of a fucking asshole they are, and that they are missing out on great things by having their head up their ass.
And naturally, on a day when i just want to disappear, my daughter is sick. and now won't sleep. I fucking swear, when does it get any easier? I have far too mcuh life left to live it like this. I won't do it.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Gone in a flash
I am not quite sure where April went really .... but ready of not, here comes May.
My car has officially blown the head gasket.
DeVry has kicked me out and now wants repayment of my loans.
I need a new stove and hot water heater as right now I have neither that work.
I owe my landlord $400.
The electric company is going to ban me from use if I don't pay them an insane amount.
I will be getting a new phone bill any day now.
I have no gas in my car to get to work next week.
Things aren't looking to happy in my life right now.
It's really getting old ..... fast.
My uncle's cancer has spread to his rectum. Chemo isn't working, it's just spreading like wild fire at this point. The family is once again preparing for the worst. Gram is making funeral arrangements for her son ..... disgusting.
My cousin's situation is falling apart as well, I have no idea where her head is most of the time. It is her life, and she is able to do with it as she will, but she needs to keep her child as the most important thought, and I fear she isn't doing that.
My car has officially blown the head gasket.
DeVry has kicked me out and now wants repayment of my loans.
I need a new stove and hot water heater as right now I have neither that work.
I owe my landlord $400.
The electric company is going to ban me from use if I don't pay them an insane amount.
I will be getting a new phone bill any day now.
I have no gas in my car to get to work next week.
Things aren't looking to happy in my life right now.
It's really getting old ..... fast.
My uncle's cancer has spread to his rectum. Chemo isn't working, it's just spreading like wild fire at this point. The family is once again preparing for the worst. Gram is making funeral arrangements for her son ..... disgusting.
My cousin's situation is falling apart as well, I have no idea where her head is most of the time. It is her life, and she is able to do with it as she will, but she needs to keep her child as the most important thought, and I fear she isn't doing that.
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