Giving up ....

I try ... I am only 1 person, I can only do so much.

I try to be a good mom. Finding the balance between dicipline and allowing her to have a fun childhood. I try to pick and choose what she is subjected to, choose the right food and toys for her. I cancel plans when she is sick, dry tears from shots and always have a steady supply of band-aids for when she refuses to listen to me about climbing on the couch.

I try to be a good student. Paying close attention to financial aid deadlines, course registration dates and participation requirements. I try to find the time to devote as much time as possible to my studies, as i do this for the betterment of my daughter and I.

I try to be a good employee. Trying my very best to make it to work on time, finish my required tasks, and stand out above the crowd. I do more than asked of me most days, stay longer than required and travel to other stores without the slightest hint of reluctancy. And I do all of this for such a low wage, I can not even afford to live.

I try to be a good friend, sister and daughter to those who depend on me. I do my best to rearrange my schedule if something last minute comes up. I rarely complain about bringing people places, or loaning them things, etc. I constantly drop my plans to accomedate others, never letting them know what I put off to see them or help them out.

I try to be a good tenant to my landlord. Paying the rent on time, and not harping about the conditions of my apartment constantly. I don't complain about the shitty neighbors I have that take my parking space, leave shit all over the property, and are just generally rude people.

And I try to best to be the best significant other to the person I am with. I am thoughtful and respectful. I am not a jealous person, I do not have or deal with drama in my life, I am pretty laid back and don't require much from another. All I ask is for the same thoughtfulness, honesty and respect in return. This seems to be too much to ask. I am a reasonably open minded person, who can definitely relate to shitty things popping up out of nowhere and needing to cancel plans, etc.

I have turned down hanging out with guy friends because it seemed inappropriate. And even though I wanted SO badly to see 'him' this weekend, I thought that it wasn't the right thing to do, especially being you said you would be here to see us. And yet, here we sit ..... only after 24hrs of silence, and me deciding to track you down to figure out what's going on, did I get the most 1/2 assed explination of the situation.

I just ..... I have too many other things that I am trying to accomplish right now to stress about you. A very wise man told me once 'you deserve to be happy and loved'. And I think that along with that is not having to stress about something that should make you happy. When do you decide that you have already put in more energy, stress and emotion than you said you would? When do you step back, stop pretending, and just grab what you really want?